I had an unsettling dream the other day, in which I interviewed Donald Trump for a job. He had applied for an IT Manager role based in Leicester. I can’t remember the exact words that were used, so I have tried to recreate the experience by matching a list of standard interview questions with things that Donald Trump has actually said.  To reiterate – this encounter didn’t actually take place in real life.

Good morning, Mr Trump; thank you for coming along today. And because this is a dream so I’m not fully in control of my own thoughts, I’m going to ask you the standard interview questions as listed by Monster, here.  Please keep your answers short and to the point.

1. What can you tell me about yourself?

I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.

I love Hispanics!

2. Can you list your strengths?

I know words, I have the best words.

My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.

3. What weaknesses do you have?

Look at those hands, are they small hands? And, [Republican rival Marco Rubio] referred to my hands: ‘If they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.

4. Why should I consider hiring you?

I think that number one, I am a nice person. I give a lot of money away to charities and other things. I think I’m actually a very nice person.

My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.

5. Where do you see yourself five years from now?

I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.

And I promise I will never be in a bicycle race. That I can tell you.

6. Why do you want to work here?

Well, you need somebody, because politicians are all talk, no action. Nothing’s gonna get done. They will not bring us — believe me — to the promised land. They will not.

7. What is your salary expectation?

That’s one of the nice things. I mean, part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich. So if I need $600 million, I can put $600 million myself. That’s a huge advantage. I must tell you, that’s a huge advantage over the other candidates.

The point is, you can never be too greedy.

8. What motivates you?

Number one, I have great respect for women. I was the one that really broke the glass ceiling on behalf of women, more than anybody in the construction industry.

My relationship, I think, is going to end up being very good with women.

9. What makes a good team player?

We need — we need somebody — we need somebody that literally will take this country and make it great again. We can do that.

10. Is there anything that you would like to ask me?

You think this is easy? In this beautiful room that’s 122 degrees. It is hot, and it is always hot when I perform because the crowds are so big. The rooms were not designed for this kind of crowd. I don’t know, folks. You think Hillary Clinton would be able to stand up here and do this for an hour? I don’t know.

Thank you, Mr Trump. We’ll let you know.

Now that I read this all back, I don’t think that Donald Trump interviewed very well.

In spite of his confidence, some of his answers didn’t seem to be relevant to the role, indicating that he hadn’t actually understood (or even read) the job description.  We don’t need to build a wall, for example.  Also, he came over as a little boastful at times.  And finally, when I gave him the chance to ask questions of me, he failed to make the most of this opportunity and chose instead to cast doubt on the ability of one of his rival candidates to do the job.

So I don’t think we’re going to take his application forward on this occasion.

Which means that the position is still open!  If you’re looking for work as an IT Manager, please apply online or get in touch.  Or if you’d like some general interview advice, have a look at these blog articles.